6 years in of Forever

Can you believe it’s been over six years?
My wife has been sober for six years,

and we have been to hell

and back.

I’m battling a lot of depression, trying to walk through it.

ugh.

Let’s get to what is referred to as the BLUF, Bottom Line Up Front.

I’m struggling.

Why?

Still in a sexless marriage, last time we had sex was  July 27th, 2019. I left for Hawaii the next day…pretty sure it was a hey, here’s some sex before you go on vacation, don’t cheat on me sex.

Big sigh.

I’ve learned a lot since then.

My wife was molested for years as a child by a family member.

Every

Single

Night

She lived with a monster.

Being touched reminds her of those nights.

I feel like a huge asshole.

My sweet wife, walking in strength through sobriety, walking through healing of daily sexual abuse as a child, raped as an adult.

And here I am, sitting on my nice couch in my family room feeling sorry for myself that I am in a sexless marriage. I’m pretty sure there is a special place in hell for me.

I love my wife. My wife loves me. She is very happy in our marriage. She feels supported. Cared for. Loved. Taken care of.

I feel all those things too.

I don’t feel wanted, however. I don’t feel desired, however.

Part of me knows that those feelings come from my bag of shit.

Yesterday I found myself thinking, if she was in an accident and was paralyzed, couldn’t physically be intimate, would I feel this upset? Would I settle into a life of celibacy with grace? Probably. Then I checked myself.

She is paralyzed you asshole.

So, as I stated in my BLUF, I am struggling.

 

 

Day 801 of Forever

Can you believe it’s been 801 days? 801 long days. 801 days of happiness, sadness, anger.

I’m hurting today.

I’m wondering what the fuck I am doing.

Ok, there – I got that out.

Happy Easter…at least it was until I found myself in another conversation about being in a sexless marriage.

Yes, we are married – celebrated two years. We are close. We are each other’s other. She is my first and last thought, most days. I love my wife. I adore my wife. I am proud of my wife.

However, we don’t have sex. Ever. Like, once on my birthday 3 months ago, and before that – nothing for almost a year – just days shy. And before that, just a couple times.

You’re probably asking yourself why? Why am I still in it?

Well you see. My wife is the love of my life. And, I know I am the love of hers. But you see, she had another lover for so long, that did her so wrong…that now – well, she’s burned. She doesn’t know how to let me in. Her lover was vodka. And today, I want to make love to my wife…but that fucking vodka…while I will never wish her return to those dark days…today just feels like I traded one for the other.

lets make it until tomorrow, shall we?

Day 17 of Forever

I wrote the following last night…

——————————————————-

I think a miracle happened today.

I think my love has surrendered. 

I think there is hope.

She shared a story with me tonight:

 There was an old man, in the middle of a hurricane. He climbed on his roof to escape the water. The coast guard came to help, he denied their help. My god will save me. The army came to help, he denied their help. My god will save me. The Red Cross came to help, he denied their help. My god will save me. His house washed away, and the old man drowned. At heaven’s gate, he says to god. Why didn’t you come to save me? And god says, I did. I came 3 times, first as the coast guard, then the army, and then the Red Cross. 

After the story my love says, hat she wonders how many times in the last 9 years did god try to save her by giving her the tools? She says she recognizes now, that god is saving her through the tools, through treatment. 

At this point, I am silently crying. Tears of joy, for the first time, in a long time. 

On another note, I FINALLY went to an Al-anon meeting today…yes, finally. 

Day 16 of Forever

 

– Melanie

Day 15 of Forever

There is so much on my mind, and in my heart. These last two days have been hard…really freaking hard.

I have cried a ridiculous amount of times today…a gamut of emotions.

Fear

Rage

Anger

Love

Frustration

Hunger

I had a few ‘ah-ha’ moments this weekend. The most poignant being: you can remove the alcohol from the alcoholic and they will be sober…but unless the alcoholic is working the program, all the other symptoms of alcoholism will be there. The: lying, dishonesty, anger, etc., etc.

So let me rephrase…maybe it wasn’t an ‘ah-ha’, maybe it was an ‘oh shit’.

Another surprise, my love’s patience is growing…a few times over these last two days her patience has been better than mine. When did that happen?

We were able to take a lovely walk around the block. It doesn’t sound like much, but when you are in an environment where cameras follow you everywhere…that block was amazing. Our little bit if heaven.

She was wearing one if her Valentine’s gifts today, a pretty cream shirt, with light coral pants, and a really good hair day!

Full disclosure, I snuck in some Mexican food for her last night…I’m surprised I didn’t have stray cats following me in. I was this sexy aroma of Versace and black beans…I know, I’ll stop the dirty talk.

There are many more things I want to write about, but I am beat. Physically beat. Emotionally beat. And as I write this, crying…again. This whole, my love is in rehab is turning me into quite a *****!

Day 15 of Forever,

– Melanie

Day 13 of Forever

Ok, I am a day late in the Valentine’s rah-rah…

Read a blog this morning, where the writer stated that there is no greater love than self-love. I will hold this close to my heart this weekend, and repeat as my mantra.

Taking off in a few hours to head south for the Family Program. Today will be visiting, tomorrow lectures, and group therapy. Trying to prepare myself emotionally…I am beginning to feel a little worn down…like I need a day of rest. Rest, when the hell did I do that last? (Read first paragraph Melanie!)

Tomorrow my love celebrates 30 days sober…for the first time in over 9 years. I am so very proud. And I am so very scared. She ended up taking the Vivitrol shot, thank god! Her cravings were pretty bad, as were her post acute withdrawl. By the end of the evening she was feeling much better…take the help where we can people, right?

She’s having a pretty rough time with some of the people there, they are driving her batty…I think, I think perhaps her higher power knows what she needs…the way I see it, when she comes home…we are gonna seem awesome. 🙂

Day 13 of Forever

– Melanie

My Olympic fail

Pic is an oldie, taken during the last Olympics…somehow climbing into her truck, I slipped landed halfway under it, then trying to sit up banged my head into the bottom corner of the door. This resulted in a dent above my hairline. (its still there) needless to say, I didn’t take the gold medal home that day…just wounded pride.

Day 11 of Forever

Pretty exhausted today…however, I met a good friend for dinner, fish tacos and ice tea, good laughs…about the summer that keeps on giving.

Many nights we spent out with our friend Jenny and her new beau, who we now refer to as ‘Doner’. In our home, we had hangovers…Jenny on the other hand gets her present in about a month and a half. Doner has split, and my love is in treatment…but damn, quite a summer.

Pulling up to the neighborhood, I see another accident. It’s pretty bad. Literally behind my house…don’t think the passenger made it. So very very sad. This is the 3rd accident within the month.

I will say this, there was some peace tonight knowing it wasn’t my love. Many many nights I pull up to the neighborhood and I see the emergency vehicle lights, and I pray that I don’t see her truck. 

I pray I never have that fear again.

On a really great note…all my love’s blood work came back in normal ranges! Thank god – been pretty worried. She definitely has an angel watching over her. It’s strange to write that…and know that on the other side of my fence someone lost their life tonight. 

No regrets, love big, and fight hard. 

Day 11 of Forever

– Melanie

Pic was taken this summer…you can probably imagine the lovely days had by all…especially Jenny. 🙂

Day 10 of Forever – Evening

And the verdict…

I didn’t go. 

Can you believe it?

Ok. Ok. Truth be told I started on my way…and my cell rings…it’s my love. 20 something minutes into our conversation she asks me where I am…and makes me turn around.

So, what did I do?

Took myself to dinner.

Took myself to buy a new sweatshirt.

Snuggled up in bed watching Olympics.

Quite happy with my slightly less codependent self.

Day 10 of Forever

– Melanie

Day 10 of Forever – Afternoon

Sitting in my office, eating lunch, looking at our gloomy Pacific NW skies.

Debating if I should make the drive south to see my love. It’s visiting day…from 545 – 745….and I need to be back here by 830…I would need to leave there by 630ish…hmmm. She doesn’t want me to do it. Says it’s ridiculous to make the long drive especially when I will see her this weekend.

I know she is correct, logically. But, can’t really say I follow logic all-the-time. After all, I think that is a great quality of mine…my gut doesn’t lead me astray. I may not listen to it, but that’s another story. (Probably not such a great quality).

We have been having many discussions regarding my love taking the Vivitrol injection. I am for it. She was against it. She said she would feel the need to challenge it. (She is a stubborn as she is beautiful.) I (not thinking) said ‘that’s ridiculous’…and then she hung up on me. (Remember the fight we got in a few days ago? Well, that’s what happened.) I apologized. Never my intent to hurt her.

But here’s the lesson…logic doesn’t apply.

Does she WANT to be an alcoholic? No.

Does she WANT to have to make life vs. death choices? No.

So easily is it forgotten that this a**hole disease is just that, a disease. 

Nobody WANTS it…but what it does…how it deceives…just an a**!

How in gods name is this recovery thing gonna work?

Ok, back to the dilema, go tonight or wait?

Day 10 of Forever – Afternoon

– Melanie

Day 9 of Forever – Morning

Mornings just aren’t the same…a little down today.

Day 8 of Forever

Today has consisted of:
Missing my love
Working from home
Missing my love
Working from home
Watching Olympics
Missing my love

Ya, you can say it…pretty pathetic today, Melanie.

I have only talked to her once today, this morning…honestly, I think this is the longest we have gone without talking to each other. Yes, I realize it was only this morning. Yes, I will remind myself that I am being ridiculous (maybe).

I finally ventured out of the house, onto our slush/ice covered streets, to…mail one package and one card to my love. (Are you sick of it yet?)

On a productive note…I was productive today, put in about 9 hours and completed 2 employee performance reviews. I will take that.

I wonder what she is up to…

Was there a breakthru?
Is she emotionally exhausted?
Is she pissed?
Drives me a little crazy not to know…

Does she still remember that I am the love of her life (other than the bottle)? I hope so!

I am being a bit manic.

Perhaps I need to go read more about co-dependency; it’s not lost on me.

I love my girl, my beautiful, stubborn, smart, funny, exquisite girl.

I wasn’t planning on going down on Wednesday night, as it’s such a drive…I had visions of taking one of the dogs down…but, I just don’t think it’s really safe yet. My plan is to drive down on Saturday for visiting, spend the night and then have family group session on Sunday.

Is it Sunday yet?

Day 8 of Forever
– Melanie

Ps, she called 12 hours with no communication, that was long enough for me. What was she doing? Laundry and napping and lectures and other rehab-esque things.
And of course after all that time waiting, what do I do? I stick my foot in my mouth. I hurt her feelings, of course not what I intended.
It is REALLY hard, trying to understand this a**hole disease. Not as hard as it is to HAVE the disease, just trying to understand how to support her in a healthy way.
I think the hardest thing for me is accepting the fact that I can’t do anything about this. This is HER recovery.
This is HER recovery.
This is HER recovery.