Yesterday was exhausting.
My love looked tired, beginning to go through her first Post Accute Withdrawl (PAW). (Can you tell I am learning?) I am so eager for education!
I learned that PAW tends to happen at 30, 60, 90, 120 (etc.) days. Interesting that they also seem to coincide with when the coins are given out in AA. Bill W. must have really been intuned to what was going on in his body and others to provide the incentive. So basic. So effective, I hope.
We got in a fight late in the evening of Day 5. She’s pissed, hurt. She’s mad at me for not stopping her sooner. ‘What were you going to do? Just let me die?’ This is on the heels of me confessing that I had been talking to her dad for about a month prior to Black Thursday. I reached out because I knew he was the only other person that loved her deeply. I was looking for help. But I didn’t know what help I needed.
It was a hard conversation with her, she hung up on me. But took my call right away. When we hung up that time, there was still pain, just not as much anger.
I was nervous to see her in the morning, but she held her arms out and we held. Then she says ‘I’m still mad at you.’ To which I reply, ‘I know.’
It’s hard to articulate my words for her to understand what I was/am going through. Did I want her to die? NO. Did I know what to do? NO. Did I feel I could get her to listen to me? NO. She was doing whatever she felt like. It was a one-way train to hell. Thank God the train stopped.
So…Day 6 also brought me some awareness on a topic that I think those of us that love an alcoholic or addict don’t want to think about, Codependancy. Crap.
Did I enable? Yes.
Are we codependent? Yup.
I walked away with the seed planted that I really need to get myself on the road to my own recovery. (This is not an easy thing for me to think about.)(Thinks the codependent girl, lol…maybe I am getting it.)
My love had her first big assignment, to write a goodbye letter to alcohol. She chose a song, A Fine Frenzy: Almost Lover. I downloaded it, then bawled for an hour. Bawled so hard I needed a thicker line of eyeliner to cover my swollen eyes in the morning.
The depth of her grief wash over me. I allowed my self to sit in the pain. The pain of knowing this disease is a total a##hole, burrowing in her soul like a deceitful lover.
At the end of the day we were given ‘free time’. We spent it in the meditation room playing Gin Rummy. Oh how times change. 🙂 I left with the game tied at 290. She had never played…and I think of myself as a self-proclaimed rummy expert…hence the reason it was important to leave the game tied. Beginner’s luck.
Heading home today, if the train is running….yup, my adventure continues. 8 inches of snow and freezing rain. Just awesome.
Day 7 of Forever