6 years in of Forever

Can you believe it’s been over six years?
My wife has been sober for six years,

and we have been to hell

and back.

I’m battling a lot of depression, trying to walk through it.

ugh.

Let’s get to what is referred to as the BLUF, Bottom Line Up Front.

I’m struggling.

Why?

Still in a sexless marriage, last time we had sex was  July 27th, 2019. I left for Hawaii the next day…pretty sure it was a hey, here’s some sex before you go on vacation, don’t cheat on me sex.

Big sigh.

I’ve learned a lot since then.

My wife was molested for years as a child by a family member.

Every

Single

Night

She lived with a monster.

Being touched reminds her of those nights.

I feel like a huge asshole.

My sweet wife, walking in strength through sobriety, walking through healing of daily sexual abuse as a child, raped as an adult.

And here I am, sitting on my nice couch in my family room feeling sorry for myself that I am in a sexless marriage. I’m pretty sure there is a special place in hell for me.

I love my wife. My wife loves me. She is very happy in our marriage. She feels supported. Cared for. Loved. Taken care of.

I feel all those things too.

I don’t feel wanted, however. I don’t feel desired, however.

Part of me knows that those feelings come from my bag of shit.

Yesterday I found myself thinking, if she was in an accident and was paralyzed, couldn’t physically be intimate, would I feel this upset? Would I settle into a life of celibacy with grace? Probably. Then I checked myself.

She is paralyzed you asshole.

So, as I stated in my BLUF, I am struggling.

 

 

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