Day 7 of Forever – Afternoon

Just an afternoon update of my train adventure…

The 30min delay turned into 2 hours, of which I made a bed on a bench and closed my eyes. (There are probably people that would have paid $$$ for that sight. But hey, it’s a new life!)

There were two passengers chatting, taking the train to the airport…panicking as the local metro trains are not running. They decided they would share a taxi. We arrived at the station (finally). And one more person was joining their ride. As we walked out, there were no taxi’s to be found. At this point, I was feeling a little bad for them…the following words came out of my mouth ‘hey, if you need a ride, I’d be happy to take you. I have to go to the airport anyway’. (I really did as I have been needing to pick up my love’s paycheck, turn in her keys and security access badge…but who wants to go to the airport to do that…so I have been avoiding the errand…)

‘Really??’ They say. ‘Yes, I say. I’d be happy to.’ ‘Do you have enough room?’ They ask. ‘Yes, I have a suv, with all wheel drive. It’s two blocks away in a garage, I promise I will be back.’ So off I went, when I arrived, there was one more person with them. So, four new friends and I zipped (through the snow and ice) to the airport. They were on time for their flights, and I finally ran my errand. On the plus side, I have made an acquaintance to have coffee or dinner with when I head back down!

Pay it forward.

Day 7 of Forever – Afternoon

– Melanie

#stationloungingImage

Day 7 of Forever

Yesterday was exhausting.

My love looked tired, beginning to go through her first Post Accute Withdrawl (PAW). (Can you tell I am learning?) I am so eager for education!

I learned that PAW tends to happen at 30, 60, 90, 120 (etc.) days. Interesting that they also seem to coincide with when the coins are given out in AA. Bill W. must have really been intuned to what was going on in his body and others to provide the incentive. So basic. So effective, I hope.

We got in a fight late in the evening of Day 5. She’s pissed, hurt. She’s mad at me for not stopping her sooner. ‘What were you going to do? Just let me die?’ This is on the heels of me confessing that I had been talking to her dad for about a month prior to Black Thursday. I reached out because I knew he was the only other person that loved her deeply. I was looking for help. But I didn’t know what help I needed. 

It was a hard conversation with her, she hung up on me. But took my call right away. When we hung up that time, there was still pain, just not as much anger.

I was nervous to see her in the morning, but she held her arms out and we held. Then she says ‘I’m still mad at you.’ To which I reply, ‘I know.’

It’s hard to articulate my words for her to understand what I was/am going through. Did I want her to die? NO. Did I know what to do? NO. Did I feel I could get her to listen to me? NO. She was doing whatever she felt like. It was a one-way train to hell. Thank God the train stopped.

So…Day 6 also brought me some awareness on a topic that I think those of us that love an alcoholic or addict don’t want to think about, Codependancy. Crap.

Did I enable? Yes. 

Are we codependent? Yup.

I walked away with the seed planted that I really need to get myself on the road to my own recovery. (This is not an easy thing for me to think about.)(Thinks the codependent girl, lol…maybe I am getting it.)

My love had her first big assignment, to write a goodbye letter to alcohol. She chose a song, A Fine Frenzy: Almost Lover. I downloaded it, then bawled for an hour. Bawled so hard I needed a thicker line of eyeliner to cover my swollen eyes in the morning. 

The depth of her grief wash over me. I allowed my self to sit in the pain. The pain of knowing this disease is a total a##hole, burrowing in her soul like a deceitful lover. 

At the end of the day we were given ‘free time’. We spent it in the meditation room playing Gin Rummy. Oh how times change. 🙂 I left with the game tied at 290. She had never played…and I think of myself as a self-proclaimed rummy expert…hence the reason it was important to leave the game tied. Beginner’s luck.

Heading home today, if the train is running….yup, my adventure continues. 8 inches of snow and freezing rain. Just awesome.

Day 7 of Forever

– Melanie

Day 5 of Forever – Evening

She looked beautiful. I could have held her all day. When the session was over, we took our time saying goodbye. I wanted to just grab her and run. I had to tell myself over and over, this is the best place for her (repeat 10x), convinced yet…I selfishly wasn’t.

I had enough time to shower and get ready after my train adventure…I wanted to take her breath away. i brought her engagement ring to her. She saw it on my hand and immediately said ‘oh! Give me that’. Yes mam.

The verdict is out on her counselor, she focused on important things, but when she asked us our biggest fears. we both said ‘relapse’…she focused on another topic. When we were saying our goodbyes, I asked my love ‘soooo, how much about x,y,and z are you all talking about’, ‘we aren’t’…hmmm. There are core issues that should probably be addressed….I tried soooo hard to be an active listener, very hard for me at times. So, reserving my feedback to the counselor after I have calmed myself and can be constructive and limit my emotion.

I am filled with hope and fear. I don’t like being in this place. I am a bit of a control freak (if you haven’t clued into that yet). 

I learned today that there are sponsors for family members in Al-anon? Who knew? Sounds like I need a sponsor too.

Day 5 of Forever – Evening

– Melanie

Day 4 of Forever

Having some serious bi-polar esque emotions tonight.

The blizzard like storm that fell on the Pacific NW should have been a clear sign of where the day was going to go.

First, let’s address the weather. Remember when I mentioned I was asked to go to rehab for a therapy session with my love and her counselor? And remember how it’s hours away…well, they closed the freeway. What’s the slogan? Go by train…and that’s exactly what I’m doing. For most of you that live in an area where it’s a common form of transportation, you may think I am being dramatic…but here in the Pacific NW, it’s not common…I get in my car, and drive. So, tomorrow will be an experience. Regardless, I am determined to get there.

Second, I had a minor meltdown in the store…ok, maybe it wasn’t so minor. I stood there between throws and pet clearance and cried. And not the pretty kind, the full on ugly-sob-can’t-catch-my-breath cry. Why? Well, we can get into that another day. Most likely tomorrow…

She sounded really good tonight, a slight cold making her voice sound different. I miss her. Miss her mega-watt smile. Miss her smell. Miss sitting with her. Miss her.

Tomorrow, Melanie, tomorrow.

Day 4 of Forever

– Melanie

 

Day 3 of Forever

Woke up this morning to Ben Harper’s ‘She’s only happy in the sun’, a song that has always made me smile…as I am a sun lover…I guess this morning I actually listened.
It’s depressing, took me to a dark place, called my life a few weeks ago.
Take out the word ‘sun’ and insert with any addiction.
I kinda fancy myself as a smart gal…never once did I put that together…denial, people, denial.
As the song finishes, cue phone ringing; it is my love.
She made it through her first night in residential (the first night was mandatory detox observation). Her bed she described as ‘crunchy’. Her roommate a meth addict, who is feeling less than because she isn’t addicted to alcohol or pills, like everyone else there. She’s feeling like the ghetto addict.
Sad.
Just, sad.
She is just as deserving as anyone else to be free of her disease.
On another rehab update, my love will be the only les there after today, she’ll represent.
Her counselor wants me to come down for a special session on Friday, outside the family program…what does this mean????
I’m telling myself it doesn’t mean that we are a total train wreck…just a minor fender bender, right? Think good thoughts Melanie.
I am sleeping like crap. Rephrase, I am not sleeping. What is that about?
I told her this morning my fear…months ago, she made reference to going to rehab. In the same breath said, and if I do I am not coming back. Oh how that has been sitting in my heart. I told her I had to get to this point where her health meant more than anything, our relationship. Perhaps that was my bottom.
We talked a good while about it. Do I feel better, maybe.
And I’ll take that for today.

Day 3 of Forever

– Melanie

Day 1 of Forever

Today was tough, though Thursday 2 weeks ago was tougher. I got a phone call, the phone call. The one I had been waiting for, my partner (as in I am a lesbian) hitting bottom and finally asking for help.
It was shortly after 1pm when she called. I could tell she had been drinking, all I knew was I had to get home.
The drive from Portland to the burbs took about an hour. She didn’t answer after multiple tries. I know what that means. I know it means she’s passed out. I know it means when I get home, I’ll find her in our bed.
The left out cigarettes on the kitchen island were my second (millionth) clue that things were not good, as she is usually careful to hide them. I wasn’t surprised when I opened the door, passed out,sheets removed from the bed.

I shake her.

I yell her name.

I shake her again.

I check her pupils.

Nothing.

Unresponsive.

She’s breathing.

Thank you God.

She’s alive.

9-1-1

Just keep breathing love, please don’t stop breathing.

Don’t. Stop.

Paramedics are here, ok. Ok. Things will be ok.

She’s drunk.

No narcotics, ‘just’ drunk.

Over 5 minutes they try…she’s still not responding.

Call her parents, check.

Call work, check.

She’s mumbling, that’s good. That’s good.

Fast forward.

BAC.475

3 days Detox.

2 weeks of sitting in a cubicle outside my office door.

Doing everything together. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

Today we got in the car and drove 2.5 hours. Where she will spend the next 22 days in rehab. Where I will go every weekend for a family program. Where hope will has been planted. Where the beginning has begun. Where strength can be found. Where healing can take place.

I am sad tonight. Lonely in our brand new custom home. Lonely in our king sized bed. Lonely, missing my girl.

Missing my girl I fell in love with.

I know I have been missing her for a long time.

We’ve already talked twice. She sounds good. She sounds, relieved. She sounds, hopeful.

So as I get ready for sleep to come and take me away, I will hold on to the hope I heard in her voice, and the flicker I felt in my heart.

Day 1 of Forever.

– Melanie