Tag Archives: Alcoholics Anonymous

Day 15 of Forever

There is so much on my mind, and in my heart. These last two days have been hard…really freaking hard.

I have cried a ridiculous amount of times today…a gamut of emotions.

Fear

Rage

Anger

Love

Frustration

Hunger

I had a few ‘ah-ha’ moments this weekend. The most poignant being: you can remove the alcohol from the alcoholic and they will be sober…but unless the alcoholic is working the program, all the other symptoms of alcoholism will be there. The: lying, dishonesty, anger, etc., etc.

So let me rephrase…maybe it wasn’t an ‘ah-ha’, maybe it was an ‘oh shit’.

Another surprise, my love’s patience is growing…a few times over these last two days her patience has been better than mine. When did that happen?

We were able to take a lovely walk around the block. It doesn’t sound like much, but when you are in an environment where cameras follow you everywhere…that block was amazing. Our little bit if heaven.

She was wearing one if her Valentine’s gifts today, a pretty cream shirt, with light coral pants, and a really good hair day!

Full disclosure, I snuck in some Mexican food for her last night…I’m surprised I didn’t have stray cats following me in. I was this sexy aroma of Versace and black beans…I know, I’ll stop the dirty talk.

There are many more things I want to write about, but I am beat. Physically beat. Emotionally beat. And as I write this, crying…again. This whole, my love is in rehab is turning me into quite a *****!

Day 15 of Forever,

– Melanie

Day 13 of Forever

Ok, I am a day late in the Valentine’s rah-rah…

Read a blog this morning, where the writer stated that there is no greater love than self-love. I will hold this close to my heart this weekend, and repeat as my mantra.

Taking off in a few hours to head south for the Family Program. Today will be visiting, tomorrow lectures, and group therapy. Trying to prepare myself emotionally…I am beginning to feel a little worn down…like I need a day of rest. Rest, when the hell did I do that last? (Read first paragraph Melanie!)

Tomorrow my love celebrates 30 days sober…for the first time in over 9 years. I am so very proud. And I am so very scared. She ended up taking the Vivitrol shot, thank god! Her cravings were pretty bad, as were her post acute withdrawl. By the end of the evening she was feeling much better…take the help where we can people, right?

She’s having a pretty rough time with some of the people there, they are driving her batty…I think, I think perhaps her higher power knows what she needs…the way I see it, when she comes home…we are gonna seem awesome. 🙂

Day 13 of Forever

– Melanie

My Olympic fail
My Olympic fail

Pic is an oldie, taken during the last Olympics…somehow climbing into her truck, I slipped landed halfway under it, then trying to sit up banged my head into the bottom corner of the door. This resulted in a dent above my hairline. (its still there) needless to say, I didn’t take the gold medal home that day…just wounded pride.

Day 11 of Forever

Image

Pretty exhausted today…however, I met a good friend for dinner, fish tacos and ice tea, good laughs…about the summer that keeps on giving.

Many nights we spent out with our friend Jenny and her new beau, who we now refer to as ‘Doner’. In our home, we had hangovers…Jenny on the other hand gets her present in about a month and a half. Doner has split, and my love is in treatment…but damn, quite a summer.

Pulling up to the neighborhood, I see another accident. It’s pretty bad. Literally behind my house…don’t think the passenger made it. So very very sad. This is the 3rd accident within the month.

I will say this, there was some peace tonight knowing it wasn’t my love. Many many nights I pull up to the neighborhood and I see the emergency vehicle lights, and I pray that I don’t see her truck. 

I pray I never have that fear again.

On a really great note…all my love’s blood work came back in normal ranges! Thank god – been pretty worried. She definitely has an angel watching over her. It’s strange to write that…and know that on the other side of my fence someone lost their life tonight. 

No regrets, love big, and fight hard. 

Day 11 of Forever

– Melanie

Pic was taken this summer…you can probably imagine the lovely days had by all…especially Jenny. 🙂

Day 10 of Forever – Evening

And the verdict…

I didn’t go. 

Can you believe it?

Ok. Ok. Truth be told I started on my way…and my cell rings…it’s my love. 20 something minutes into our conversation she asks me where I am…and makes me turn around.

So, what did I do?

Took myself to dinner.

Took myself to buy a new sweatshirt.

Snuggled up in bed watching Olympics.

Quite happy with my slightly less codependent self.

Day 10 of Forever

– Melanie

Day 10 of Forever – Afternoon

Sitting in my office, eating lunch, looking at our gloomy Pacific NW skies.

Debating if I should make the drive south to see my love. It’s visiting day…from 545 – 745….and I need to be back here by 830…I would need to leave there by 630ish…hmmm. She doesn’t want me to do it. Says it’s ridiculous to make the long drive especially when I will see her this weekend.

I know she is correct, logically. But, can’t really say I follow logic all-the-time. After all, I think that is a great quality of mine…my gut doesn’t lead me astray. I may not listen to it, but that’s another story. (Probably not such a great quality).

We have been having many discussions regarding my love taking the Vivitrol injection. I am for it. She was against it. She said she would feel the need to challenge it. (She is a stubborn as she is beautiful.) I (not thinking) said ‘that’s ridiculous’…and then she hung up on me. (Remember the fight we got in a few days ago? Well, that’s what happened.) I apologized. Never my intent to hurt her.

But here’s the lesson…logic doesn’t apply.

Does she WANT to be an alcoholic? No.

Does she WANT to have to make life vs. death choices? No.

So easily is it forgotten that this a**hole disease is just that, a disease. 

Nobody WANTS it…but what it does…how it deceives…just an a**!

How in gods name is this recovery thing gonna work?

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Ok, back to the dilema, go tonight or wait?

Day 10 of Forever – Afternoon

– Melanie

Day 8 of Forever

photoToday has consisted of:
Missing my love
Working from home
Missing my love
Working from home
Watching Olympics
Missing my love

Ya, you can say it…pretty pathetic today, Melanie.

I have only talked to her once today, this morning…honestly, I think this is the longest we have gone without talking to each other. Yes, I realize it was only this morning. Yes, I will remind myself that I am being ridiculous (maybe).

I finally ventured out of the house, onto our slush/ice covered streets, to…mail one package and one card to my love. (Are you sick of it yet?)

On a productive note…I was productive today, put in about 9 hours and completed 2 employee performance reviews. I will take that.

I wonder what she is up to…

Was there a breakthru?
Is she emotionally exhausted?
Is she pissed?
Drives me a little crazy not to know…

Does she still remember that I am the love of her life (other than the bottle)? I hope so!

I am being a bit manic.

Perhaps I need to go read more about co-dependency; it’s not lost on me.

I love my girl, my beautiful, stubborn, smart, funny, exquisite girl.

I wasn’t planning on going down on Wednesday night, as it’s such a drive…I had visions of taking one of the dogs down…but, I just don’t think it’s really safe yet. My plan is to drive down on Saturday for visiting, spend the night and then have family group session on Sunday.

Is it Sunday yet?

Day 8 of Forever
– Melanie

Ps, she called 12 hours with no communication, that was long enough for me. What was she doing? Laundry and napping and lectures and other rehab-esque things.
And of course after all that time waiting, what do I do? I stick my foot in my mouth. I hurt her feelings, of course not what I intended.
It is REALLY hard, trying to understand this a**hole disease. Not as hard as it is to HAVE the disease, just trying to understand how to support her in a healthy way.
I think the hardest thing for me is accepting the fact that I can’t do anything about this. This is HER recovery.
This is HER recovery.
This is HER recovery.

Day 4 of Forever

Having some serious bi-polar esque emotions tonight.

The blizzard like storm that fell on the Pacific NW should have been a clear sign of where the day was going to go.

First, let’s address the weather. Remember when I mentioned I was asked to go to rehab for a therapy session with my love and her counselor? And remember how it’s hours away…well, they closed the freeway. What’s the slogan? Go by train…and that’s exactly what I’m doing. For most of you that live in an area where it’s a common form of transportation, you may think I am being dramatic…but here in the Pacific NW, it’s not common…I get in my car, and drive. So, tomorrow will be an experience. Regardless, I am determined to get there.

Second, I had a minor meltdown in the store…ok, maybe it wasn’t so minor. I stood there between throws and pet clearance and cried. And not the pretty kind, the full on ugly-sob-can’t-catch-my-breath cry. Why? Well, we can get into that another day. Most likely tomorrow…

She sounded really good tonight, a slight cold making her voice sound different. I miss her. Miss her mega-watt smile. Miss her smell. Miss sitting with her. Miss her.

Tomorrow, Melanie, tomorrow.

Day 4 of Forever

– Melanie

 

Day 3 of Forever

Woke up this morning to Ben Harper’s ‘She’s only happy in the sun’, a song that has always made me smile…as I am a sun lover…I guess this morning I actually listened.
It’s depressing, took me to a dark place, called my life a few weeks ago.
Take out the word ‘sun’ and insert with any addiction.
I kinda fancy myself as a smart gal…never once did I put that together…denial, people, denial.
As the song finishes, cue phone ringing; it is my love.
She made it through her first night in residential (the first night was mandatory detox observation). Her bed she described as ‘crunchy’. Her roommate a meth addict, who is feeling less than because she isn’t addicted to alcohol or pills, like everyone else there. She’s feeling like the ghetto addict.
Sad.
Just, sad.
She is just as deserving as anyone else to be free of her disease.
On another rehab update, my love will be the only les there after today, she’ll represent.
Her counselor wants me to come down for a special session on Friday, outside the family program…what does this mean????
I’m telling myself it doesn’t mean that we are a total train wreck…just a minor fender bender, right? Think good thoughts Melanie.
I am sleeping like crap. Rephrase, I am not sleeping. What is that about?
I told her this morning my fear…months ago, she made reference to going to rehab. In the same breath said, and if I do I am not coming back. Oh how that has been sitting in my heart. I told her I had to get to this point where her health meant more than anything, our relationship. Perhaps that was my bottom.
We talked a good while about it. Do I feel better, maybe.
And I’ll take that for today.

Day 3 of Forever

– Melanie

Day 1 of Forever

Today was tough, though Thursday 2 weeks ago was tougher. I got a phone call, the phone call. The one I had been waiting for, my partner (as in I am a lesbian) hitting bottom and finally asking for help.
It was shortly after 1pm when she called. I could tell she had been drinking, all I knew was I had to get home.
The drive from Portland to the burbs took about an hour. She didn’t answer after multiple tries. I know what that means. I know it means she’s passed out. I know it means when I get home, I’ll find her in our bed.
The left out cigarettes on the kitchen island were my second (millionth) clue that things were not good, as she is usually careful to hide them. I wasn’t surprised when I opened the door, passed out,sheets removed from the bed.

I shake her.

I yell her name.

I shake her again.

I check her pupils.

Nothing.

Unresponsive.

She’s breathing.

Thank you God.

She’s alive.

9-1-1

Just keep breathing love, please don’t stop breathing.

Don’t. Stop.

Paramedics are here, ok. Ok. Things will be ok.

She’s drunk.

No narcotics, ‘just’ drunk.

Over 5 minutes they try…she’s still not responding.

Call her parents, check.

Call work, check.

She’s mumbling, that’s good. That’s good.

Fast forward.

BAC.475

3 days Detox.

2 weeks of sitting in a cubicle outside my office door.

Doing everything together. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

Today we got in the car and drove 2.5 hours. Where she will spend the next 22 days in rehab. Where I will go every weekend for a family program. Where hope will has been planted. Where the beginning has begun. Where strength can be found. Where healing can take place.

I am sad tonight. Lonely in our brand new custom home. Lonely in our king sized bed. Lonely, missing my girl.

Missing my girl I fell in love with.

I know I have been missing her for a long time.

We’ve already talked twice. She sounds good. She sounds, relieved. She sounds, hopeful.

So as I get ready for sleep to come and take me away, I will hold on to the hope I heard in her voice, and the flicker I felt in my heart.

Day 1 of Forever.

– Melanie