Tag Archives: for better or worse

Day 17 of Forever

I wrote the following last night…


I think a miracle happened today.

I think my love has surrendered. 

I think there is hope.

She shared a story with me tonight:

 There was an old man, in the middle of a hurricane. He climbed on his roof to escape the water. The coast guard came to help, he denied their help. My god will save me. The army came to help, he denied their help. My god will save me. The Red Cross came to help, he denied their help. My god will save me. His house washed away, and the old man drowned. At heaven’s gate, he says to god. Why didn’t you come to save me? And god says, I did. I came 3 times, first as the coast guard, then the army, and then the Red Cross. 

After the story my love says, hat she wonders how many times in the last 9 years did god try to save her by giving her the tools? She says she recognizes now, that god is saving her through the tools, through treatment. 

At this point, I am silently crying. Tears of joy, for the first time, in a long time. 

On another note, I FINALLY went to an Al-anon meeting today…yes, finally. 

Day 16 of Forever


– Melanie

Day 15 of Forever

There is so much on my mind, and in my heart. These last two days have been hard…really freaking hard.

I have cried a ridiculous amount of times today…a gamut of emotions.







I had a few ‘ah-ha’ moments this weekend. The most poignant being: you can remove the alcohol from the alcoholic and they will be sober…but unless the alcoholic is working the program, all the other symptoms of alcoholism will be there. The: lying, dishonesty, anger, etc., etc.

So let me rephrase…maybe it wasn’t an ‘ah-ha’, maybe it was an ‘oh shit’.

Another surprise, my love’s patience is growing…a few times over these last two days her patience has been better than mine. When did that happen?

We were able to take a lovely walk around the block. It doesn’t sound like much, but when you are in an environment where cameras follow you everywhere…that block was amazing. Our little bit if heaven.

She was wearing one if her Valentine’s gifts today, a pretty cream shirt, with light coral pants, and a really good hair day!

Full disclosure, I snuck in some Mexican food for her last night…I’m surprised I didn’t have stray cats following me in. I was this sexy aroma of Versace and black beans…I know, I’ll stop the dirty talk.

There are many more things I want to write about, but I am beat. Physically beat. Emotionally beat. And as I write this, crying…again. This whole, my love is in rehab is turning me into quite a *****!

Day 15 of Forever,

– Melanie

Day 13 of Forever

Ok, I am a day late in the Valentine’s rah-rah…

Read a blog this morning, where the writer stated that there is no greater love than self-love. I will hold this close to my heart this weekend, and repeat as my mantra.

Taking off in a few hours to head south for the Family Program. Today will be visiting, tomorrow lectures, and group therapy. Trying to prepare myself emotionally…I am beginning to feel a little worn down…like I need a day of rest. Rest, when the hell did I do that last? (Read first paragraph Melanie!)

Tomorrow my love celebrates 30 days sober…for the first time in over 9 years. I am so very proud. And I am so very scared. She ended up taking the Vivitrol shot, thank god! Her cravings were pretty bad, as were her post acute withdrawl. By the end of the evening she was feeling much better…take the help where we can people, right?

She’s having a pretty rough time with some of the people there, they are driving her batty…I think, I think perhaps her higher power knows what she needs…the way I see it, when she comes home…we are gonna seem awesome. 🙂

Day 13 of Forever

– Melanie

My Olympic fail
My Olympic fail

Pic is an oldie, taken during the last Olympics…somehow climbing into her truck, I slipped landed halfway under it, then trying to sit up banged my head into the bottom corner of the door. This resulted in a dent above my hairline. (its still there) needless to say, I didn’t take the gold medal home that day…just wounded pride.

Day 11 of Forever


Pretty exhausted today…however, I met a good friend for dinner, fish tacos and ice tea, good laughs…about the summer that keeps on giving.

Many nights we spent out with our friend Jenny and her new beau, who we now refer to as ‘Doner’. In our home, we had hangovers…Jenny on the other hand gets her present in about a month and a half. Doner has split, and my love is in treatment…but damn, quite a summer.

Pulling up to the neighborhood, I see another accident. It’s pretty bad. Literally behind my house…don’t think the passenger made it. So very very sad. This is the 3rd accident within the month.

I will say this, there was some peace tonight knowing it wasn’t my love. Many many nights I pull up to the neighborhood and I see the emergency vehicle lights, and I pray that I don’t see her truck. 

I pray I never have that fear again.

On a really great note…all my love’s blood work came back in normal ranges! Thank god – been pretty worried. She definitely has an angel watching over her. It’s strange to write that…and know that on the other side of my fence someone lost their life tonight. 

No regrets, love big, and fight hard. 

Day 11 of Forever

– Melanie

Pic was taken this summer…you can probably imagine the lovely days had by all…especially Jenny. 🙂

Day 10 of Forever – Evening

And the verdict…

I didn’t go. 

Can you believe it?

Ok. Ok. Truth be told I started on my way…and my cell rings…it’s my love. 20 something minutes into our conversation she asks me where I am…and makes me turn around.

So, what did I do?

Took myself to dinner.

Took myself to buy a new sweatshirt.

Snuggled up in bed watching Olympics.

Quite happy with my slightly less codependent self.

Day 10 of Forever

– Melanie

Day 10 of Forever – Afternoon

Sitting in my office, eating lunch, looking at our gloomy Pacific NW skies.

Debating if I should make the drive south to see my love. It’s visiting day…from 545 – 745….and I need to be back here by 830…I would need to leave there by 630ish…hmmm. She doesn’t want me to do it. Says it’s ridiculous to make the long drive especially when I will see her this weekend.

I know she is correct, logically. But, can’t really say I follow logic all-the-time. After all, I think that is a great quality of mine…my gut doesn’t lead me astray. I may not listen to it, but that’s another story. (Probably not such a great quality).

We have been having many discussions regarding my love taking the Vivitrol injection. I am for it. She was against it. She said she would feel the need to challenge it. (She is a stubborn as she is beautiful.) I (not thinking) said ‘that’s ridiculous’…and then she hung up on me. (Remember the fight we got in a few days ago? Well, that’s what happened.) I apologized. Never my intent to hurt her.

But here’s the lesson…logic doesn’t apply.

Does she WANT to be an alcoholic? No.

Does she WANT to have to make life vs. death choices? No.

So easily is it forgotten that this a**hole disease is just that, a disease. 

Nobody WANTS it…but what it does…how it deceives…just an a**!

How in gods name is this recovery thing gonna work?

Ok, back to the dilema, go tonight or wait?

Day 10 of Forever – Afternoon

– Melanie

Day 8 of Forever

photoToday has consisted of:
Missing my love
Working from home
Missing my love
Working from home
Watching Olympics
Missing my love

Ya, you can say it…pretty pathetic today, Melanie.

I have only talked to her once today, this morning…honestly, I think this is the longest we have gone without talking to each other. Yes, I realize it was only this morning. Yes, I will remind myself that I am being ridiculous (maybe).

I finally ventured out of the house, onto our slush/ice covered streets, to…mail one package and one card to my love. (Are you sick of it yet?)

On a productive note…I was productive today, put in about 9 hours and completed 2 employee performance reviews. I will take that.

I wonder what she is up to…

Was there a breakthru?
Is she emotionally exhausted?
Is she pissed?
Drives me a little crazy not to know…

Does she still remember that I am the love of her life (other than the bottle)? I hope so!

I am being a bit manic.

Perhaps I need to go read more about co-dependency; it’s not lost on me.

I love my girl, my beautiful, stubborn, smart, funny, exquisite girl.

I wasn’t planning on going down on Wednesday night, as it’s such a drive…I had visions of taking one of the dogs down…but, I just don’t think it’s really safe yet. My plan is to drive down on Saturday for visiting, spend the night and then have family group session on Sunday.

Is it Sunday yet?

Day 8 of Forever
– Melanie

Ps, she called 12 hours with no communication, that was long enough for me. What was she doing? Laundry and napping and lectures and other rehab-esque things.
And of course after all that time waiting, what do I do? I stick my foot in my mouth. I hurt her feelings, of course not what I intended.
It is REALLY hard, trying to understand this a**hole disease. Not as hard as it is to HAVE the disease, just trying to understand how to support her in a healthy way.
I think the hardest thing for me is accepting the fact that I can’t do anything about this. This is HER recovery.
This is HER recovery.
This is HER recovery.

Day 7 of Forever – Afternoon

Just an afternoon update of my train adventure…

The 30min delay turned into 2 hours, of which I made a bed on a bench and closed my eyes. (There are probably people that would have paid $$$ for that sight. But hey, it’s a new life!)

There were two passengers chatting, taking the train to the airport…panicking as the local metro trains are not running. They decided they would share a taxi. We arrived at the station (finally). And one more person was joining their ride. As we walked out, there were no taxi’s to be found. At this point, I was feeling a little bad for them…the following words came out of my mouth ‘hey, if you need a ride, I’d be happy to take you. I have to go to the airport anyway’. (I really did as I have been needing to pick up my love’s paycheck, turn in her keys and security access badge…but who wants to go to the airport to do that…so I have been avoiding the errand…)

‘Really??’ They say. ‘Yes, I say. I’d be happy to.’ ‘Do you have enough room?’ They ask. ‘Yes, I have a suv, with all wheel drive. It’s two blocks away in a garage, I promise I will be back.’ So off I went, when I arrived, there was one more person with them. So, four new friends and I zipped (through the snow and ice) to the airport. They were on time for their flights, and I finally ran my errand. On the plus side, I have made an acquaintance to have coffee or dinner with when I head back down!

Pay it forward.

Day 7 of Forever – Afternoon

– Melanie


Day 7 of Forever

Yesterday was exhausting.

My love looked tired, beginning to go through her first Post Accute Withdrawl (PAW). (Can you tell I am learning?) I am so eager for education!

I learned that PAW tends to happen at 30, 60, 90, 120 (etc.) days. Interesting that they also seem to coincide with when the coins are given out in AA. Bill W. must have really been intuned to what was going on in his body and others to provide the incentive. So basic. So effective, I hope.

We got in a fight late in the evening of Day 5. She’s pissed, hurt. She’s mad at me for not stopping her sooner. ‘What were you going to do? Just let me die?’ This is on the heels of me confessing that I had been talking to her dad for about a month prior to Black Thursday. I reached out because I knew he was the only other person that loved her deeply. I was looking for help. But I didn’t know what help I needed. 

It was a hard conversation with her, she hung up on me. But took my call right away. When we hung up that time, there was still pain, just not as much anger.

I was nervous to see her in the morning, but she held her arms out and we held. Then she says ‘I’m still mad at you.’ To which I reply, ‘I know.’

It’s hard to articulate my words for her to understand what I was/am going through. Did I want her to die? NO. Did I know what to do? NO. Did I feel I could get her to listen to me? NO. She was doing whatever she felt like. It was a one-way train to hell. Thank God the train stopped.

So…Day 6 also brought me some awareness on a topic that I think those of us that love an alcoholic or addict don’t want to think about, Codependancy. Crap.

Did I enable? Yes. 

Are we codependent? Yup.

I walked away with the seed planted that I really need to get myself on the road to my own recovery. (This is not an easy thing for me to think about.)(Thinks the codependent girl, lol…maybe I am getting it.)

My love had her first big assignment, to write a goodbye letter to alcohol. She chose a song, A Fine Frenzy: Almost Lover. I downloaded it, then bawled for an hour. Bawled so hard I needed a thicker line of eyeliner to cover my swollen eyes in the morning. 

The depth of her grief wash over me. I allowed my self to sit in the pain. The pain of knowing this disease is a total a##hole, burrowing in her soul like a deceitful lover. 

At the end of the day we were given ‘free time’. We spent it in the meditation room playing Gin Rummy. Oh how times change. 🙂 I left with the game tied at 290. She had never played…and I think of myself as a self-proclaimed rummy expert…hence the reason it was important to leave the game tied. Beginner’s luck.

Heading home today, if the train is running….yup, my adventure continues. 8 inches of snow and freezing rain. Just awesome.

Day 7 of Forever

– Melanie