Tag Archives: hope

Day 15 of Forever

There is so much on my mind, and in my heart. These last two days have been hard…really freaking hard.

I have cried a ridiculous amount of times today…a gamut of emotions.

Fear

Rage

Anger

Love

Frustration

Hunger

I had a few ‘ah-ha’ moments this weekend. The most poignant being: you can remove the alcohol from the alcoholic and they will be sober…but unless the alcoholic is working the program, all the other symptoms of alcoholism will be there. The: lying, dishonesty, anger, etc., etc.

So let me rephrase…maybe it wasn’t an ‘ah-ha’, maybe it was an ‘oh shit’.

Another surprise, my love’s patience is growing…a few times over these last two days her patience has been better than mine. When did that happen?

We were able to take a lovely walk around the block. It doesn’t sound like much, but when you are in an environment where cameras follow you everywhere…that block was amazing. Our little bit if heaven.

She was wearing one if her Valentine’s gifts today, a pretty cream shirt, with light coral pants, and a really good hair day!

Full disclosure, I snuck in some Mexican food for her last night…I’m surprised I didn’t have stray cats following me in. I was this sexy aroma of Versace and black beans…I know, I’ll stop the dirty talk.

There are many more things I want to write about, but I am beat. Physically beat. Emotionally beat. And as I write this, crying…again. This whole, my love is in rehab is turning me into quite a *****!

Day 15 of Forever,

– Melanie

Day 8 of Forever

photoToday has consisted of:
Missing my love
Working from home
Missing my love
Working from home
Watching Olympics
Missing my love

Ya, you can say it…pretty pathetic today, Melanie.

I have only talked to her once today, this morning…honestly, I think this is the longest we have gone without talking to each other. Yes, I realize it was only this morning. Yes, I will remind myself that I am being ridiculous (maybe).

I finally ventured out of the house, onto our slush/ice covered streets, to…mail one package and one card to my love. (Are you sick of it yet?)

On a productive note…I was productive today, put in about 9 hours and completed 2 employee performance reviews. I will take that.

I wonder what she is up to…

Was there a breakthru?
Is she emotionally exhausted?
Is she pissed?
Drives me a little crazy not to know…

Does she still remember that I am the love of her life (other than the bottle)? I hope so!

I am being a bit manic.

Perhaps I need to go read more about co-dependency; it’s not lost on me.

I love my girl, my beautiful, stubborn, smart, funny, exquisite girl.

I wasn’t planning on going down on Wednesday night, as it’s such a drive…I had visions of taking one of the dogs down…but, I just don’t think it’s really safe yet. My plan is to drive down on Saturday for visiting, spend the night and then have family group session on Sunday.

Is it Sunday yet?

Day 8 of Forever
– Melanie

Ps, she called 12 hours with no communication, that was long enough for me. What was she doing? Laundry and napping and lectures and other rehab-esque things.
And of course after all that time waiting, what do I do? I stick my foot in my mouth. I hurt her feelings, of course not what I intended.
It is REALLY hard, trying to understand this a**hole disease. Not as hard as it is to HAVE the disease, just trying to understand how to support her in a healthy way.
I think the hardest thing for me is accepting the fact that I can’t do anything about this. This is HER recovery.
This is HER recovery.
This is HER recovery.

Day 7 of Forever – Afternoon

Just an afternoon update of my train adventure…

The 30min delay turned into 2 hours, of which I made a bed on a bench and closed my eyes. (There are probably people that would have paid $$$ for that sight. But hey, it’s a new life!)

There were two passengers chatting, taking the train to the airport…panicking as the local metro trains are not running. They decided they would share a taxi. We arrived at the station (finally). And one more person was joining their ride. As we walked out, there were no taxi’s to be found. At this point, I was feeling a little bad for them…the following words came out of my mouth ‘hey, if you need a ride, I’d be happy to take you. I have to go to the airport anyway’. (I really did as I have been needing to pick up my love’s paycheck, turn in her keys and security access badge…but who wants to go to the airport to do that…so I have been avoiding the errand…)

‘Really??’ They say. ‘Yes, I say. I’d be happy to.’ ‘Do you have enough room?’ They ask. ‘Yes, I have a suv, with all wheel drive. It’s two blocks away in a garage, I promise I will be back.’ So off I went, when I arrived, there was one more person with them. So, four new friends and I zipped (through the snow and ice) to the airport. They were on time for their flights, and I finally ran my errand. On the plus side, I have made an acquaintance to have coffee or dinner with when I head back down!

Pay it forward.

Day 7 of Forever – Afternoon

– Melanie

#stationloungingImage

Day 3 of Forever

Woke up this morning to Ben Harper’s ‘She’s only happy in the sun’, a song that has always made me smile…as I am a sun lover…I guess this morning I actually listened.
It’s depressing, took me to a dark place, called my life a few weeks ago.
Take out the word ‘sun’ and insert with any addiction.
I kinda fancy myself as a smart gal…never once did I put that together…denial, people, denial.
As the song finishes, cue phone ringing; it is my love.
She made it through her first night in residential (the first night was mandatory detox observation). Her bed she described as ‘crunchy’. Her roommate a meth addict, who is feeling less than because she isn’t addicted to alcohol or pills, like everyone else there. She’s feeling like the ghetto addict.
Sad.
Just, sad.
She is just as deserving as anyone else to be free of her disease.
On another rehab update, my love will be the only les there after today, she’ll represent.
Her counselor wants me to come down for a special session on Friday, outside the family program…what does this mean????
I’m telling myself it doesn’t mean that we are a total train wreck…just a minor fender bender, right? Think good thoughts Melanie.
I am sleeping like crap. Rephrase, I am not sleeping. What is that about?
I told her this morning my fear…months ago, she made reference to going to rehab. In the same breath said, and if I do I am not coming back. Oh how that has been sitting in my heart. I told her I had to get to this point where her health meant more than anything, our relationship. Perhaps that was my bottom.
We talked a good while about it. Do I feel better, maybe.
And I’ll take that for today.

Day 3 of Forever

– Melanie

Day 1 of Forever

Today was tough, though Thursday 2 weeks ago was tougher. I got a phone call, the phone call. The one I had been waiting for, my partner (as in I am a lesbian) hitting bottom and finally asking for help.
It was shortly after 1pm when she called. I could tell she had been drinking, all I knew was I had to get home.
The drive from Portland to the burbs took about an hour. She didn’t answer after multiple tries. I know what that means. I know it means she’s passed out. I know it means when I get home, I’ll find her in our bed.
The left out cigarettes on the kitchen island were my second (millionth) clue that things were not good, as she is usually careful to hide them. I wasn’t surprised when I opened the door, passed out,sheets removed from the bed.

I shake her.

I yell her name.

I shake her again.

I check her pupils.

Nothing.

Unresponsive.

She’s breathing.

Thank you God.

She’s alive.

9-1-1

Just keep breathing love, please don’t stop breathing.

Don’t. Stop.

Paramedics are here, ok. Ok. Things will be ok.

She’s drunk.

No narcotics, ‘just’ drunk.

Over 5 minutes they try…she’s still not responding.

Call her parents, check.

Call work, check.

She’s mumbling, that’s good. That’s good.

Fast forward.

BAC.475

3 days Detox.

2 weeks of sitting in a cubicle outside my office door.

Doing everything together. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

Today we got in the car and drove 2.5 hours. Where she will spend the next 22 days in rehab. Where I will go every weekend for a family program. Where hope will has been planted. Where the beginning has begun. Where strength can be found. Where healing can take place.

I am sad tonight. Lonely in our brand new custom home. Lonely in our king sized bed. Lonely, missing my girl.

Missing my girl I fell in love with.

I know I have been missing her for a long time.

We’ve already talked twice. She sounds good. She sounds, relieved. She sounds, hopeful.

So as I get ready for sleep to come and take me away, I will hold on to the hope I heard in her voice, and the flicker I felt in my heart.

Day 1 of Forever.

– Melanie